Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Opinions expressed in this episode are personal. They do not necessarily reflect the views of this streaming platform.
[00:00:10] Speaker B: Good day, everyone, and welcome to another edition of let's Be Diverse. I am your host, Andrew Stout. This episode is dedicated to all my loved ones who've supported me through this journey.
Something that people deal with, whether it's in the office or at work, at home, wherever your life is. Something that we deal with often is trauma.
Today we're going to be talking about trauma. And my guest today is Laurel Wears.
Welcome to the show, Laurel. We are so pleased and honored to have you on here today.
[00:00:45] Speaker A: Well, I am honored that you're taking the time to let me share what I know and to just hopefully have something that's meaningful to your listeners.
[00:00:54] Speaker B: Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure it will be. I have no worries whatsoever on that one. How are things with you? What's going on? What's, what's the word? What's the. Give us the deets, give us the tea. What's happening?
[00:01:07] Speaker A: Oh, well, I've been flying all over the place this summer, literally. I don't think I've been home more than seven days, eight days at a clip between all of my vacations with friends and family and work activities that I've been doing. So busy, busy, busy, but all really good stuff as my new business optimal Outcome has really been taken off. So it's been great to meet clients literally all over the world at this point and start working with them.
[00:01:34] Speaker B: Wonderful. Isn't it so neat to meet new people? I, I, I love that I'm one of my core values, people that know me and the listeners know that. One of my core values is rapport building. And I just love building rapport with people and meeting new people. I just feel it's so important, and it just, it fills my cup as, as they say, as far as the amount of people that I'm meeting and the types of people, and it's just, it's just great. I just love it.
[00:02:03] Speaker A: Oh, that resonates with me. I was just in Just About Mexico doing a training last week, and it was so beautiful to be with people that are very different than the Northeast where I grew up in the US and it was just lovely.
[00:02:20] Speaker B: That's awesome. Well, I'm glad to hear that things are going well and you're traveling.
I'm guessing as it starts, you know, when it starts to get cooler, it'll start to slow down for you a.
[00:02:30] Speaker A: Little bit, or I thought that back in February when I was in Spain, but no, it hasn't happened. I've been pretty much non stop since February. So. We shall see.
[00:02:40] Speaker B: Well, we shall see. Well, I'm glad to hear that you're safe and sound and your thing sounds like things are going very, very well and you're building something strong. So that's, that's awesome. Before we begin, before we get into the meat and bones of the conversation here, I always have a fun, thought provoking question to ask my guests to get things going. Are you ready for yours today?
[00:03:03] Speaker A: I'm ready.
[00:03:05] Speaker B: So your question today is, if money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
[00:03:18] Speaker A: That's a really good question. I don't know.
I have no answer for that, Andrew.
[00:03:27] Speaker B: No. No answer. No answer for it.
[00:03:30] Speaker A: No.
[00:03:31] Speaker B: It's interesting though, like just the wording on it that was pretty interesting though. Like you call it a branch, but it's kind of like, I guess a, a tongue twister or a swing on what they call it.
[00:03:43] Speaker A: And it's probably wish. Wishful thinking maybe at some point.
[00:03:47] Speaker B: Yeah, maybe. Maybe.
Well, thanks for having a laugh with me. I really appreciate that. Why don't we start with you telling us a little bit about you, your story and of course, your why.
[00:04:00] Speaker A: Sure. So I've been a marriage and family therapist for 25 years. And for the first 17 years or so, I actually never worked with trauma. It was something that I knew I wasn't equipped to do. While graduate school is great in training us to be therapists for many things, trauma is one of the few things that we were not educated well in. And so I'm definitely the type of clinician that if I cannot help you, I'm not going to waste your time or my time or take your money when I can't get relief for you or help bring you through a transformation process. So I would take any clients that had trauma and I would refer them out. And that all stopped eight years ago when I actually got injured. And while I was in bed recovering, I watched a television program and I heard veterans talking about healing from their trauma and I thought, oh my gosh, like, what is this? What is this therapy? What are they doing that they're getting healed? So I looked it up immediately while I was in bed and a month later I was at a training. And since then I have just run towards trauma. I worked with my clients and then I trained clinicians how to work with their clients. And that's moved into now working with high performers and executives and businesses on how to help their people work with trauma. So that's kind of my journey. But my why is there is not enough practitioners out there that know how to work with trauma in a way that actually brings relief in healing? There's talk therapy. While it's beautiful, it does not work for trauma. So I went completely towards it because it is one of the most beautiful and impactful and transforming things that I can do with people. And it's quick, quicker than people realize. And you can see immediate relief for people. And it never gets old. I love it.
[00:06:02] Speaker B: Well, first off, thank you for sharing your story. First off, I could definitely see for the listeners, you can't see it, but I can definitely see and hear the passion in your voice and I can see it in your smile, how passionate you are about this topic and helping people in this. So kudos to you on that. One of the things that I really love and what I, what I want to talk about is that you say you, if you can't help somebody, you will refer them to somebody else. And I want our listeners to. To understand how important this is. Because if you are in a leadership role, this is key. There's a lot of people out there who will answer questions or will say that they know what they're talking about when they actually don't have the correct answer and they'll give false information. So I love A, that you were that you do that and B, you are okay to pass on your referrals to other people because again, the other thing is a lot of people don't want to do that. They. They rather keep it to themselves rather than collaborating. And I mentioned that rapport building is one of my, one of my core values. Collaboration is also. And I feel like, why can't we all be successful rather than just some of us being successful? So let's work together and everything. Everybody will be successful.
[00:07:35] Speaker A: I love that. So you have an abundance mindset, right? And that's the type of mindset that lives in that space that says there's always more. Right. That giving actually increases what you have it.
[00:07:49] Speaker B: Sure, it sure does. And it just puts, again, I love smiles. It just puts a smile on your face like what could make you. I know what makes me so happy is when I have a conversation with somebody and then I have a conversation with another person and then I makes me think of that other person. And I'm like, you know what? I think these two people should meet. And then when they meet and then you get a message back say, oh my God, thank you so much for introducing me. To so and so we've clicked. We've been talking nonstop. We're probably going to do some collaborating together. So what? You know, that just makes me smile and makes me happy to. To hear that, because it doesn't always work out that way. But at least you're meeting somebody new. And maybe down the road, maybe there's something, maybe not right away, but maybe down the road or something. So you can't go wrong with referring somebody to somebody else. Like, no, can never go wrong.
[00:08:46] Speaker A: Yeah. And I've been on the receiving end of that so many times that people have been so gracious to introduce me to somebody. And same thing, you know, you're thinking, what do I have in common with this person? And before you know it, you're collaborating and beautiful things are happening. So I'm glad that you are a connector.
[00:09:02] Speaker B: Oh, I definitely am. And sometimes we think about, oh, I don't know how we would connect. And then as the conversation is going, you. You talk about certain things and then you're like, Then the other person's like, oh, well, I never really thought that we could collaborate. But now what you're saying to me makes total sense. And now, you know, maybe we can. Right. So sometimes people don't kind of look at it or think in. They're not looking to, or they can't broaden their horizons or think of something out of the box. They're always like in the box. But they, you know, once they have the opportunity to think outside the box, then it's so much better.
[00:09:44] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:09:44] Speaker B: So much better. So let's get into the meat and bones of this here. What are some of the physical signs some. Somebody is. Some bodies are releasing or how some bodies are releasing trauma. And how could this affect leaders in the workplace?
[00:10:03] Speaker A: So it's so interesting that you use the word release, because for me, releasing trauma actually looks really different than somebody who is holding trauma.
[00:10:13] Speaker B: Right.
[00:10:14] Speaker A: So I'll actually give both of them. So somebody who's holding trauma when they're at work, you're going to see things like hypervigilance. You're going to see that they have an exaggerated startle response, somebody that maybe gets overwhelmed very easily, someone that's coming in, possibly tired because their sleep has been inhibited, somebody who's having an extreme reaction to a situation that everyone else in the room is not necessarily having that same reaction to somebody's touch tone or the way that somebody addressed a question. So in the workplace, those are some of the things that you might be looking for when Somebody's traumatized.
That's when someone's holding it. But the release looks very, very different. And for every person, the release is different. Whether it's a physical release, a body that shakes, whether it's yawning, whether it's. That somebody is just, you know, their whole nervous system is calmed down, that they're breathing differently, that they're thinking more clearly and concentrating better. So those are some of the benefits when you actually get to the release.
[00:11:15] Speaker B: So what's interesting to me is you talk about the difference. I love that you kind of split that up between the two.
And when. When you're talking about, for example, holding the trauma, you know, like, you know, you're exaggerating things, you're overwhelmed, you're tired.
Is this could be like.
Like, could this be a situation that they're just not happy or that they have some things going on and they just don't know how to handle the situation? Like, is there a difference between the two?
[00:11:46] Speaker A: So typically, people don't know how to deal with trauma in a way that's complete and effective and resolved. Most people with trauma are managing trauma, and that's actually the very tiring piece of it, which is they either know what's going to trigger them, so they go to work. They know the things that trigger them, and they're working really hard to keep themselves in check, to not get out of their window of tolerance, we call it right, to get into your fight or flight mode. But that can be very exhausting. They're having to cheerlead themselves and say, this is okay, I'm safe, this is fine. They're having to walk away, take deep breaths, ground themselves. That's what you're going to see when people are in that place, that they are still having to work through that trauma, but they don't know what to do. Right? Because typically, to release trauma completely, you do need a clinician.
Time does not heal. All wounds and triggers are definitely your body holds. You know, body keeps the score, body pays attention to it. And those images and sensations that are attached with trauma, they are sitting out in front of your brain. When people have trauma, they have these images and these memories that we call are in a ready state memory, which means that they're ready to be integrated, but they're so big that their body cannot integrate them. So that's what they're managing all the time. So until they can sit with somebody who knows how to bring them through a process to integrate that, they're kind of left just managing what's going on.
[00:13:11] Speaker B: My eyes opened up when you said, time doesn't heal all wounds. It's something that we hear so often. And I could definitely relate to that because, you know, not just in a trauma state, but it could be whatever situation. And people, especially in a workplace, a lot of people are expected to, when they have something going on, that they're expected to just, you know, go. Go walk it off and, you know, come back and everything's going to be fine. But we have to, you know, I guess, have this realization that not everything is going to be fine and we need to figure out, you know, again, a leader would not be able to help somebody out because, like you said, they're not a clinician, but they can also be a listener and try to maybe understand. I like to call it listening with pause. And they would just kind of listen to maybe not give feedback, but to kind of have a little bit of empathy and a little bit of understanding of what that person is going through.
[00:14:15] Speaker A: Oh, absolutely. I think that's what makes a great leader. Somebody that says, I need to understand that your life is more than these four walls. Your life is more than this job, that there are so many other factors that are influencing your behavior and your thinking and how you're showing up each day. And I think that a good leader at this point is trauma informed and can have their own filter that says, let me understand that there's something else going on here, and how can I listen and direct that person to getting the help that they might need to work through whatever's going on and to give them space for that and to understand that, you know, when we go through difficult things, like we said, it takes time. Grief takes time. Trauma takes time. Loss takes time. And to have realistic expectation with the people that we're working with, knowing that, yeah, time doesn't heal all wounds, and. And that things take a lot longer than people typically give themselves permission for or that we give our coworkers permission for.
[00:15:13] Speaker B: So we. You and I talked about this before we were taping today, and I'm interested to hear your thoughts on this.
What are some of the techniques that can be used to reset the nervous system after trauma?
[00:15:26] Speaker A: So if you're looking for things that you can do that are outside of a clinical capacity, there's a couple things. One, which is deep breathing. So whether it's box breathing, when you notice that your system is in a fight or flight mode, right. Everything's kind of going offline. And the way that we can kind of bring our nervous system down is to do box breathing. And so that's where we breathe in for four, we hold for four, we breathe out for four, and then we hold for four. And doing that, that's what the Navy SEALs use. So it's really effective at calming down that nervous system. So that's one thing I tell people to do. If you notice that you're in a traumatized state, that's a helpful thing to do. But sometimes when people are in a traumatized state, what's happening is right, trauma is your past is coming into your present. So we almost forget where we are and what we're doing. So another really helpful thing for people to do, and a lot of my clients do this when they start to feel that they're getting excitable, is grounding. And that's where you're just kind of sitting and going, closing your eyes. What am I hearing, what am I feeling, what am I smelling? You know, what am I tasting? And even open your eyes and just kind of look around and take in what's around you. So that's another really helpful thing for people. And really any type of bilateral stimulation, I think most people miss, this one is super helpful when your nervous system is dysregulated. So when you have bilateral stimulation, whether it's someone's tapping, whether you're doing like butterfly taps, which some people know about that, which is where you tap your shoulders or touch your chest, alternating with your hands, or even just walking, walking, when you do that, it really helps your brain process what's going on. And what most people don't realize is when you're in the middle of something and you're feeling pretty unsettled, you just go for a walk. By the time you come back from like a 15, 20 minute walk, you just feel different. And not only is it just because it's exercise, which is great and endorphins are released, but it literally is processing what's going on inside of your brain as you're having that bilateral stimulation from walking.
[00:17:27] Speaker B: I love the walking part first off, because I could see that you are, it makes sense to me because you're, you're doing something different. So you're, you're basically putting one foot in front of the other and you're kind of having to pay attention to your, your surroundings as well. So like if you're walking and there's cars or whatever, you gotta kind of pay attention to where you're walking, pay attention to psych, you know, bicyclists or, or people driving A car or people walking. You got to pay attention to your surroundings. So I could definitely see that. The grounding technique is something that I'm familiar with as well.
I kind of do a technique where if something is disturbing me or what have you, I kind of do the four corners where I just basically look. You like, look at the four corners to kind of like you said, get familiar with where I am and then, and then it kind of helps me to, to, to relax and, and not So I love that you mentioned that. Not a lot of people use that. I think people kind of, I would say probably most people kind of will, I guess go off in a tantrum or have a, you know, an argument with somebody or what have you. But yes, it definitely would be something to do specifically in many situations where things are not going well at work or you're not getting along with a, a co worker or.
I talk about, you know, work life balance. I don't kind of believe in that because I think you kind of take, you know, stuff from home to work and stuff from work home. So you know, there could be situations where something happened in the morning and you're, you know, and it's just the days just started off and you are trying to deal with that and you can only deal with it in your own way.
[00:19:22] Speaker A: Yes, you're right. I think that's great that you use that four corner technique. I actually have not even heard of that looking at the four corners of the room. So great job with that.
[00:19:30] Speaker B: Yeah, it just, it helps to relax and helps to.
You get to. You can kind of visualize where you are. And like you said before, like where am I? So that's kind of like a, you know, where am I on here? Okay, those are the four corners. I'm safe. And then you can kind of. Not that it. This instantly like makes you feel better, but it kind of starts to kind of relax you a little bit for sure.
So do you think that organizations are becoming more trauma aware?
[00:20:00] Speaker A: Oh, definitely not quick enough. But I think that they are starting. I've just even seen it with the places that have asked me to come in and speak or work with their C suites or do education. I've definitely noticed that the more progressive companies I think are doing a really good job with it. And I think everyone in general is more attentive to trauma than even like five years ago. I feel like as a clinician. Right. That was something that was always on the forefront of my mind, but I didn't hear businesses, organizations attending to it. So much. But for sure, in the last, I would say two years to three years. I really think since the pandemic, because the pandemic just brought everything out and everybody and everyone was having mental health issues. And all of a sudden it was like, oh, we've got some trauma going on. I think we might need to provide some resources, some education. We need to start working as leadership to recognize this in people, because we have trauma on a scale that we've never seen before. So that was one positive thing that did come out of COVID was this trauma awareness, this trauma informed modality.
[00:21:06] Speaker B: So do you think it's because the companies are wanting to get more training for their leaders or employees? Or do you feel like people going into an organization or just wanting more, or do you think. Or needing more, not just salary, but more. As far as that safe work environment, as I like to call it, or would you say is it a combination of both?
[00:21:31] Speaker A: I think that it's. A lot of it is driven at this point by safe work environment because people are realizing, you know, we had the walk away, everyone was, you know, quietly quitting. So people know that we have got to change the culture in our organization. So and the way that we do that is really recognizing, first of all that we are human and that we are not automatons that go to work clock in, clock out and have completely separation, like you said, between work and the work life balance. So what I'm noticing is that it's people. Organizations are wanting to invest in their people to keep them and realizing that we've got to do it differently if we want to keep them. Because if they're not getting their needs met or people aren't recognizing that they have a life beyond the walls of that organization, that they're just going to go elsewhere.
[00:22:19] Speaker B: I love what you mentioned, quiet quitting and just this discussion of trauma. What's amazing to me is when I first started working, I think a lot of this stuff was happening, but nobody was talking about it. So what's amazing to me is like I was talking about quiet quitting with somebody the other day, and I can remember working in a retail store and somebody just, you know, deciding that they had enough, had a shirt underneath their shirt, they just took off their work shirt, threw it on the counter at the till and said, I'm out of here. And they walked out. And then the boss came back after lunch and said, oh, we're so and so this. And we'd say, oh, he left. But now that would be called quiet Quitting. Right. So it's kind of like a term now, and it's the same thing for, like, you're. We're talking about today about trauma. There's probably a lot of things that have happened, and people have been dealing with trauma for the longest time, but nobody really talk about it. I mean, I'm not gonna say how long ago, but. Because I'll age myself here, but.
But, you know, I just remember being in workplaces where nobody was talking about it or nobody even. I don't even know if. I don't know if I'd say care or not care, but it just wasn't a topic of conversation where all these things are being talked about. So I'm sure you're. You're noticing that with your. With your clients as well.
[00:23:43] Speaker A: Oh, definitely. And it's. I love to see the change. I just love to see us being more realistic about what being human looks like, what it feels like, and working with it rather than against it.
[00:23:57] Speaker B: So, Laurel, tell me about the three most influential people in your life and how they've impacted you.
[00:24:06] Speaker A: Well, my dad is one of them.
He's impacted me in the way that he. When I was in my early 20s, he just really came to me in a spirit of humility and owned some things from our life growing up that I needed him to own. And it changed our relationship, but in the most positive and beautiful way. So he definitely inspires me, showing me what true love looks like, what it looks like to be a great parent, what it looks like to be a great partner and a great friend, really. So he's definitely one of my inspirations. He's the sweetest man in the world. His faith is beautiful. He actually just suffered a stroke this fall, and watching him come through, that has been nothing short of miraculous. So he's one.
The second would be my daughter.
My daughter is everything I wish I was when I was 16 years old. It could make me cry. She is just the most caring, beautiful, kind, head screwed on straight type of person, knows where she's going. And I think, wow, if I had been half of that person back then. So she really inspires me that it's possible to actually see young people having their head screwed on straight these days and really going for what they want, but having great morals and values and character and caring about those things. I think sometimes I was on my school board for a while, and, you know, having teenage kids, you watch people go through life, and sometimes it can be a little disheartening, especially with all the Devices and the way that our culture has changed. So that's super hopeful. To me, she inspires me. That's number two.
And as far as the third person, I would say my husband, honestly, my husband is the most giving, helpful, non stereotypical, does not care what society says husbands and wives do, does whatever it takes to support me and everything that I do. And I just hope that I return to him what he gives to me all the time.
[00:26:20] Speaker B: There's so much stuff I could pack into there, but I just absolutely, I heart everything that you just said there. First off, your dad, humility as a leader, that is a leader that is humble is one that is going to have followers that's going to follow them and whatever they need, they're going to have from their, from their team. So I just love humility. I think it's super important and I, you know, not everybody is humble and it is what it is, but it's something that I try to be as myself is humble and as humble as I can be. Your daughter being a caring person, I think that is great. I think that has a lot to do with you and your husband and your upbringing. I call that parent leadership. You've led your, your daughter and taught her and molded her into the entity in the individual that you would have liked her to be or what you, the way you'd like to grow, grown her up to be. And she has become that individual and she's going to continue to blossom into that individual. And then of course, husbands who can, who doesn't like a husband who can help out. Gone are the days. I, I totally agree with you. Gone are the days are people that are expecting one person to do more of than the other. I think it's gotta, you know, it's gotta, it's gotta shift and what have you. I think you know, myself, my wife, she does a lot, so.
But I try to, you know, we, I help out whenever I can and I try to do what I can and. Because I just feel it's important to do that. So I think when you have a tandem of people and I just talked about it before, collaborating and working together, you know, and especially in your household, if you do that, then you're, you're only going to come out winners. So that's, that's for sure.
[00:28:24] Speaker A: Absolutely. Thank you for that.
[00:28:27] Speaker B: You're very, very welcome. This has been such a great conversation. I just have totally enjoyed this and I've enjoyed your time. Is there any final thoughts, anything you'd like to add or any special messages that you'd like to give our listeners today?
[00:28:42] Speaker A: I think the only special message I always like to give people is that not to let any of their trauma be something that overwhelms them or that they feel stuck and hopeless with, but that, you know, whether it's just calming your nervous system, finding someone to talk to, or finding a professional to help you work through it, that there's been so much progress and so many things out there that can give you pretty quick relief to seek that out and not give up.
[00:29:12] Speaker B: I think the important message today, too, is that we're, you know, I always send a message to people, and I'll send a message you'll check from. With people from time to time and how are you doing? How's everything going? And I think people just knowing, you know, sometimes people just feel like, you know, if they're suffering with trauma or anything, they feel like they're by themselves. They feel like they're alone. And I feel like it's important to let people know that they're not by themselves. They don't have to suffer through things alone. We may not fully understand what they're going through, but as long as we're willing to listen to them and help them through that, maybe that will help them get through it a little bit easier. So as long as they don't know that, as long as they know that there's people on their side, you. You can't. You can't. There's nothing better than. Or you can't do nothing but win. In that case.
[00:30:10] Speaker A: You've got that right, Andrew, for sure.
[00:30:13] Speaker B: Laurel, I want to take the time to thank you for coming on today.
You're a remarkable individual. I just love the stuff that you're putting out there in the universe, and I just love you as an individual. I just think you're so empathetic and authentic and super genuine. And I really appreciate you for. For taking the time today. We joked about your busy schedule before taping. So thank you so much for your time today and your authenticity. We appreciate you.
[00:30:47] Speaker A: Well, thank you. That is the highest compliment. And I so appreciate you taking the time to let me chat. This is beautiful.
[00:30:56] Speaker B: Wonderful. Well, on behalf of myself and my guest, Laurel, I would like to take the time to thank you all for listening today. And until next time, be safe. And remember that if we all work together, everyone, we can accomplish anything you.
[00:31:12] Speaker A: Have been listening to. Let's be diverse with Andrew Stout to stay up to date with future content.
[00:31:18] Speaker B: Hit Subscribe.
